We all deserve a loving relationship. Here, noted psychotherapist and author Dr. David Richo outlines ten steps that will help you forge a loving and lasting partnership.
By Dr. David Richo
Step #1: Uphold the Five A's A healthy, intimate relationship begins with someone we can trust. This is someone who consistently offers the five A's that show love: We can rely on the one who loves us to pay attention to our words and feelings, to accept us as we are, to appreciate and value us, to show us affection in appropriate ways, and to allow us to live freely without attempting to control us. Both partners must feel free to show feelings without being interrupted, punished, or ridiculed for them.
Step #2: Cultivate Staying Power A trustworthy partner, the one we can go to, is one who will stay with us through a conflict: "I know you love me and will stay with me through this crisis we are having. Your focus will be on working through our conflict, not on making sure you win." Mutual trust means: "I can be in conflict with you but with no sense of a threat of abandonment. I will still be here when the smoke clears and so will you." Staying power is a crucial clue to someone's trustworthiness. Demonstrate staying power to your partner to promote a healthy, intimate relationship.
Step #3: Work Things Out A healthy relationship is one in which problems do not turn into blame but lead to addressing, processing, and resolving things with no leftover resentment. When that program is not in place for both parties, we have no basis for trusting that a relationship can work. There is no commitment when denial and avoidance take the place of addressing. We have no bond when refusal to show feeling or explore issues cancels our chances at processing our concerns. There is no contentment when a conflict in a relationship is not resolved but smolders instead. Be committed to working out conflicts.
Step #4: Be Strong But Not Retaliatory We can take both trustworthiness and untrustworthiness as information about whether a relationship can go on but never as an incentive to hurt back if we are betrayed or to stay put if we are hurt. Agree never to retaliate, use the silent treatment, resort to violence, be unfaithful, or hold a grudge against your partner.
Step #5: Honor Boundaries Healthy partners respect one another's limits and boundaries — for instance, "When I say 'no', he will back off." As another example, if one partner is an introvert and needs alone time, the other will not interpret that as rejection or try to force him to be otherwise. True intimacy is closeness with space in between. In healthy, intimate relationships, both partners honor boundaries without restorting to scrutinizing or controlling behavior.
Step #6: Listen Without Judgment A trustworthy partner can listen without judgment (without a fixed or moralistic belief). Listen attentively to words, feelings, and body language. The ability to hear someone is really about trust, not simply about communication. (In fact, a trust issue always lurks beneath a communication difficulty, which I discuss more in Daring to Trust.)
Step #7: Let Go of Ego A loving partner is more committed to being honest about his or her mistakes and apologizing when necessary than in defending his or her ego. A partner who can't admit he was wrong but instead loudly insists he was justified in his unkind behavior is not a good candidate for intimacy. Be mindful of this in your relationship.
Step #8: Speak Up A trustworthy person is committed to being assertive but not aggressive. Assertiveness is motivated by self-esteem and respect for others. Aggression is motivated by the need for ego satisfaction. Most of us are afraid of being assertive at all and remain passive. Speak up in your relationship.
Step #9: Prioritize Good Sex In healthy intimacy, a partner is genuinely and passionately interested in being sexual with you and has full capacity for it, or is working on it. Your sexual union contributes to your friendship, joy, and love. And you can be, and daily are, intimate without having to be sexual every time.
Step #10: Prioritize Friendship In a healthy, intimate relationship, you are best friends, honest with one another, genuinely caring about one another's needs and crises, and you plan to be there for one another when you get very old. Be mindful and appreciative of this friendship.
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